Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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