just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I intend to get homeless drunk
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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