Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
