you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
