If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
