And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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