I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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