Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
