so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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