I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
