Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize