YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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