I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
