I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
