He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
