Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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