Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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