There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
