I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
