is your mom at the bar?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize