you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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