The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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