$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
