he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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