I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
