i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
