is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
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