Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
