This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
