Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
