I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
