just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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