i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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