There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
