if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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