just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
