my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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