Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
