News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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