He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
