Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
