Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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