peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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