If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
