you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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