remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
