i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
