I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
