So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
