What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
