I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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