My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize