I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
