And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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