Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize