We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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