Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
