I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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