I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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